February 26th, 2004



And beware of exhibiting religious deceit by saying, "Oh, I have no misgivings about Jesus, only misgivings about myself." If we are honest, we will admit that we never have misgivings or doubts about ourselves, because we know exactly what we are capable or incapable of doing. But we do have misgivings about Jesus. And our pride is hurt even at the thought that He can do what we can’t.

My misgivings arise from the fact that I search within to find how He will do what He says. My doubts spring from the depths of my own inferiority. If I detect these misgivings in myself, I should bring them into the light and confess them openly—"Lord, I have had misgivings about You. I have not believed in Your abilities, but only my own. And I have not believed in Your almighty power apart from my finite understanding of it."

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (26 February, "Our Misgivings About Jesus")

Restless and awake so I write a bit. I pretty much suck at this Lent stuff so far, but discovering that—discovering my weakness concretely and admitting to it—is part of the point. No one makes me sicker than me, and no one has more reason to be thankful, or hopeful.

So much to do in the day ahead; wish I were able to rest. Sometimes things just get to me and won't stop, even and especially when there's nothing I can do about them. "Be at peace and faithful with your own steps," I tell myself, and mostly, I listen. The part of me that wakes in the middle of the night is harder to calm.

Well, no sense sitting here any longer. Back to bed.
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