May 13th, 2003

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Bills, bogs, and blind spots

Only after midnight have I experienced any sort of stillness in my soul. Not much, but more than the other hours, enough to be something other than angry or sad or trying to cover up the two.

Feels like some of the emotional bills of the past year are now coming due, and I don’t have much inside with which I can pay. Everything is so broken and wrong, and I’m terribly tired. Particularly, I’m tired of wading through crap and pretending it’s a bed of roses. I’m tired of being bogged in sin, my own and others’, and pretending I’m doing OK and not sickened and miserable somewhere deep inside. And more than anything, I’m tired of hurting and pretending I’m fine for the sake of honor or duty or comfort.

Something to keep in mind about myself: at my deepest level, I navigate and apprehend the world intuitively, knowing things without knowing how or why I know, filling in the blanks as best I can when trying to share my train of thought with others. One of the limitations of this way of knowing is that it makes me notorious for skipping steps between problem and solution. In the blind spots, I forget that processes take time and paths meander.

Sometimes I get exactly what I pray for, even when I don’t recognize it. Especially when what I pray for is terribly good and terribly hard. The blind spots between problem and solution keep me from seeing the beauty in God’s work.
  • Current Mood
    tired tired
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Tuesday desk jockeying

Good day thus far; the sun is shining and it doesn’t bother me. Maybe just having a moment of something closer to honesty, even if only to myself, was cathartic.

This is the first week of working on Tuesday and I think it’ll work out fine. The stop-and-start nature of my other work schedule (off on Tuesdays and Saturdays) killed momentum, something I sorely need to make progress or simply to make it through. Just plowed through a huge accumulation of mail, and I think there’s more lurking around here somewhere. Financial work to do this afternoon, and lunch with Meg in between, if it works out for her. Tonight is a surprise birthday party for Pete (don’t tell him), and I may catch the USE show at Chop Suey tonight.

Something smells like Pla-Doh near my desk.

Lots of truth for me in the passage below:

The first thing God does is forcibly remove any insincerity, pride, and vanity from my life. And the Holy Spirit reveals to me that God loved me not because I was lovable, but because it was His nature to do so. Now He commands me to show the same love to others by saying, “. . . love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). He is saying, “I will bring a number of people around you whom you cannot respect, but you must exhibit My love to them, just as I have exhibited it to you.” This kind of love is not a patronizing love for the unlovable—it is His love, and it will not be evidenced in us overnight. Some of us may have tried to force it, but we were soon tired and frustrated.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (11 May, “Love One Another”)
  • Current Music
    The White Stripes, "Black Math"