May 10th, 2003

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Must see TV

Scully: What are you leaving out?
Mulder: What makes you think I’m leaving anything out?

The X-Files, “Quagmire”


Why would I go to bed and toss and turn when I can watch The X-Files? No reason I can think of.
  • Current Mood
    awake awake
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Now would be a good time

A calendar of coolness for Seattlelites this week from B-Side Records (as posted in seattle and seattleindie):
Monday, 12 May (Multiple choice– both answers are correct):
Ozma, Earlimart, Slowreader, Tennis Pro
Studio 7 (110 S Horton St)
Doors at 8 pm, $8
All ages

United State of Electronica, Mister Pleasant, Entropic Advance
Chop Suey (1325 E Madison)
Doors at 9 pm, $6
21+

Wednesday, 14 May
Tennis Pro, American School of Warsaw, DJ Poop Hound, DJ Gumar
Featuring a gallery art show by Hisham Mishalani
The Rendezvous Jewel Box Theater (2322 2nd Ave)
Doors at 8 pm

Few things to do today and a benefit for a couple of youth programs at Annette’s in Wallingford tonight. This two-days-off-in-a-row stuff is indeed helpful to me, giving me the space to get a better sense of where I am and who I am, and too much space to dodge in the ways I usually do. Sometimes I struggle more with accepting who I am not than with who I am. Looking around me, I find envy leaps up inside at the most unexpected places and times. I stuff it instead of dealing with it, confessing it, owning it, and it comes out again in ways more dark, displaced, and twisted.

Need to make different decisions, eh?

We are in danger of forgetting that we cannot do what God does, and that God will not do what we can do. We cannot save nor sanctify ourselves—God does that. But God will not give us good habits or character, and He will not force us to walk correctly before Him...

Beware of the tendency to ask the way when you know it perfectly well. Take the initiative—stop hesitating—take the first step. Be determined to act immediately in faith on what God says to you when He speaks, and never reconsider or change your initial decisions. If you hesitate when God tells you to do something, you are being careless, spurning the grace in which you stand. Take the initiative yourself, make a decision of your will right now, and make it impossible to go back. Burn your bridges behind you, saying, “I will write that letter,” or “I will pay that debt”; and then do it! Make it irrevocable.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest (10 May, “Take the Initiative”)
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive
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Sometimes

Skipped the benefit party tonight. Same old thing: an anxiety that grows in me and keeps me from wanting to be with anyone. It’s not about anything, and never about what it’s really about. Almost nothing ever is.

Since I hadn’t eaten by 21:30, decided to go get a soda to accompany my leftover ravioli. Went to 7-11 instead of the grocery store in an effort to sidestep the sadness that sometimes hits me there. Night air did what night air sometimes does, washing me in an almost-overwhelming wave of memories, memories of feeling rather than thought, as if all the people I’ve ever been connected in that moment. Tears well up and I whisper to myself when that happens, wrapped in the tension between burden and blessing. I’m well aware how close to the edge of madness that may be.

My Big Gulp is empty now; it was filled with 7-Up so that caffeine wouldn’t provide a further barrier to rest later.

There are times behind and times ahead, and I wonder how these times will weave into their tapestry. Sometimes things are as they must be, for a time, to prepare. Much to learn and far to go.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost, “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening”
  • Current Mood
    melancholy melancholy