April 25th, 2003


Trying (and failing) to write from the heart

When I write this late, the process is visceral and most likely hard to understand. All I have are feelings and little desire or energy to fully explain or neatly categorize them. It's scattershot, as if the coherence of my day collapses into a puddle of goo when I slow from breakneck speed to the unsettled state that has come to reside where rest ought be.

A random telephone call has resulted in a divine appointment on my calendar for noon Friday. I ask those led to pray to ask the Holy Spirit to be present, opening eyes, unstopping ears, healing wounds, giving wisdom, revealing Christ in truth and glory.

The new copier made Orders of Worship (saddle stitch!) as Nate and I had lunch. A bit of margin is welcome.

The Session pissed me off tonight. If you call me to meet with you at 18:00, more than one of you should show up before 18:15. If the premise for meeting with me is to see how you can support me, don't end by asking me about the one project I've had difficulty completing. And if you want to care for me, don't hand me a note as I'm getting up to leave asking me for information I've already sent to you weeks ago. If you're calling me in to supervise me, however, be honest and be competent.

Community Group took an impromptu jaunt to the Canterbury tonight. Good time, though I felt separate and distant. I am separate and distant. Feeling more awkward and fake by the day when I'm with most others.

How is it that so many of us are so confused about beauty, flaunting and boasting of the worst parts of ourselves even as we run from or try to hide those things that are most truly beautiful?
  • Current Music
    Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, "Looking for Par'mach in All the Wrong Places"

Faithful or fool?

If it is for this life only that Christ has given us hope, we of all men are most to be pitied.

–I Corinthians 15:19

This has been one of those days when trying to be faithful has cost me something. Is that what Jesus wanted? Will it make a difference? I have to trust that the economy of the Kingdom is different than my own, hope that my actions were born of devotion rather than pride. I wish I were sure. I don't doubt Him, not for a moment. Yet I feel like a fool and wonder if I've risked based on my ego instead of at His leading.

The line between being a fool and being abandoned to God is blurry at its best, and sometimes seems non-existent. Indeed, sometimes it is. The knot in my gut over today will pass. Perhaps it already is.
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed