Becoming increasingly convinced that many (if not most) of us drape reality in delusions and illusions, things that allow us to remain safe and self-absorbed. We analyze and systematize, scrambling to gather or manufacture enough understanding to tame the wildness of the world. The alternative is to trust Him, abandoning meticulous plans and personal ambitions, walking on the water as He calls.
Christopher e-mailed to tell me he's moved out of his house, though he still hopes to pursue counseling to repair his marriage to Sara. Nate struggles to find his footing with Heather (not the one from our Community Group), loving her even while she is in a relationship with another man, questioning if they can have any friendship at all. Jeremy and Jenae's engagement is broken over infidelity, as are their hearts. Tom dreams of a Gandalf-like return to the pulpit, painting over his disgrace in broad strokes of denial and irresponsibility. An unexpected rift has grown between Brian and Markus, and Brian and almost everyone. Dave bears the weight of a chaotic, hurting church on weary shoulders. And there are so many more.
Where am I, with these people, in these lives? Where have I been? Wrapped in myself, wrestling with my own battles, hopelessly sidetracked. At lunch with Nate yesterday, I began to see (or see afresh) the patterns, the misdirection, the confusion, the division. It's as if we're each being struck in our most unknown weak spots. There are cracks in our foundations, ones we never saw before. The attacks are unexpected and overwhelming.
Perhaps this is the time of chaos, of fire, or a harbinger of it. In any case, what the enemy may intend for evil, God intends for good. And He calls me to be present, though I feel empty and drained. Present with Him first, in His presence. Then present with others, speaking truth, fighting evil, healing wounds, shedding tears, finding laughter.
He can make me who He created me to be, regardless of how I feel. I'm shamed by my absence, but that's the past. I know the good I ought to do, regardless of what tomorrow may be. I hope I can settle in to do it.