May 5th, 2002


In a dream

Had a dream last night, full of weakness, acceptance, sex, tenderness, betrayal, friendship, risk, faithfulness, grace, forgiveness, redemption, and love. It was about my life, especially the parts that ensnare me while I, paradoxically, fear facing them. It's the life I've been living and the life I've been missing.

Awoke feeling peaceful and whole in my inmost parts. My dream was about so much more than what it was about. Last night I touched a raw, hidden part of my soul, only for half a moment, and in my sleep, God spoke through the wound to give me hope, to show me Himself and myself.

I've so cluttered my life with less-wild lovers. This love is a more dangerous thing by far. I saw my substitutes in their full desirability, yet saw beyond to the love they've been keeping me from enjoying, the love I've been longing for all my life.

I think I want my life back.
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