October 18th, 2001

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Seed of repentance

Now that my life is mostly good (or now that I can see that), some of the places where I've let sin grow-- and even cultivated it with greater love than I show God or people-- start to stick out, greasy stains on lightening background. I'm sickened a bit, and not nearly enough. My sins are my arsenal against the stillness I need and fear, my defense against the riskiness of trusting God. I run to them, cling to them, hiding them expertly when not in use.

Sorrow that leads to repentance is a gift. I've got the sorrow part, and I know the mechanics of repentance. Knowing isn't doing, and doing isn't being. Steps onward, inward, upward. I need. Something is moving, working in me. Spirit. He who began a good work will see it through to completion. The signs of beginning are clear. Faith and hope have landed on me, a package deal.

As Tommy paraphrased from Spurgeon yesterday, "How committed is Jesus to you?" The answer is a wellspring of life. The opposite question, "How committed are you to Jesus?," is mostly a big, clumsy, stupid club we Christians use to beat up ourselves and anyone within reach. God knows no hope comes from that answer.

Let me dwell on that first question and learn to live in it. He's here.
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