Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Thoughts from the Thirteenth

Yesterday was a headlong race, start to finish. Our church's Experimental Orchestra had a Christmas Cantata at Benaroya Hall, our first performance there. The event also doubled as the release for the orchestra's first CD. So lots of last-minute details, screw ups, and troubleshooting, including some glaring oversights on my part.

Also a tough day personally, as I continued to struggle (too much?) with how to integrate parts of my history into my life today. On my own, I've made a sort of peace with most of the loose ends and unanswered questions— they just are. But bringing these parts of myself into relationship with others is confusing, and I often feel somewhere on the continuum between alien and fraud. God's timing in even having it come up again at all, and especially coming up now, is mysterious and frustrating to me.

There are a million places for me to hide my mind and heart from the things I don't want to face, thousands of sidetracks to occupy me, hundreds of bargains I can strike to keep my sanity. Is it any wonder that I often can't find them anymore?

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