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Bad memories

Haven't been myself of late, though I don't recognize who I am instead. That's not entirely true— there are moments of fearful recognition, flashes of things past, yet to be, and never. Hard to say what the triggers are: sometimes a scent, sometimes a phrase, sometimes a feeling. Last night I nearly broke down, faced with the possibility of more loss for which I would bear the responsibility. I've lost enough. I've failed enough. No more. Please.

I'm desperate. I don't know how to persevere without killing my heart. I need God to make things better or make me a better man. He is in the business of both, but I grow restless and faint in the waiting.

My everyday life knows little of my wrestling, though the strain shows occasionally. Focus eludes me. I keep a lid on, as much as I can, and return home exhausted. I know why so much of me shut down for so long before.

But it's not before, not anymore. I feel alive and dead inside all at once. I'm so tired of myself. Press on. Persevere. Have faith.

Come, Lord Jesus.


do you have someone to talk it out with?+accountability

Dear Banzai,
I hope I am not wrong to take your messages
--which seem sometimes coded notes to yourself--
as being serious and asking somehow for
sharing what one has...
Do you have someone you can talk it
out with in straight language the way one
might, or rather some do, with a stranger
on a train in a distant country to whom one
feels a need to explain oneself..?
confession is important, not the sacramental
one as such(first of all not everyone has this
as a sacrament and secondly it does not in itself
fill the category it sets out to and has a history of
all sorts of development which you may know and if
not I wont tire you with here, but no clear form
rather something reaching towards a form). I
believe what is important is that we all have
someone , some other person or persons, to whom
we are accountable...
for me this is my little community in Moscow
called Hosanna,not that I share everything with them
(which would be selfindulgent and not good for
anyone)but in the sense of feeling accountable...
that they know everything about me in at least
the sense of everything represented, no areas
of my life outside of that accountablity.
and of course this is in the context of
responsibity etc well community , even such a
sort of exceptional case as me and mine, is a particular
case but I think all of us are confessing all the time
and needing to have also the sense of accountabilty
with someone who cares...if a psychiatrist is a
"professional friend" perhaps here a priest is also
a sort of professional surrogate for , well for the
Church as caring community of course... well and if
he does care then he can be, or a minister or any
brother or sister chosen or finding or found,
more than a surrogate for that...
But if you have those to whom you are able to speak
it out in plain language and in the context of
accountability and caring then this post is
not to any special additional point, and if not
exactly it still cannot , or certainly will not, urge
any special way forward except at least to say that
it is no shame to be in this circumstance and secondly
that there will be ,if you will choose it, those
to whom you can share...

Re: do you have someone to talk it out with?+accountability


Thank you for your reflections. Thankfully, I've been blessed some who understand my struggles, as well as the context and comfort of the gospel. My journal entries (as my bio suggests) are often ways for me to work things out, though I often allow others to look in as well. At times, details are not best suited to an open forum, but I still lay out my heart as I'm able so that I can have landmarks of this journey. Others are welcome to watch the path as well.

I appreciate your thoughts and prayers.

understood ! various notes brief

Hi... by the way Seraphim is my first name
(although adopted in ordination so that
Joseph which some people who knew me before
still call me and anyone is welcome to, is
my second) it is for St Seraphim of Sarov
an interesting man who lived in Russia late
18th early 19th century.

Understood on journal. good! glad there are
people to talk to. I sense some people
try to do it through journal itself and yet
still are not apparantly open or apparantly
talking to anyone who cares and so one thinks
well this is not going to produce the desired

Live Journal writing is an odd thing isnt it?
it is like writing in a notebook with
all sorts of people looking over ones
shoulder and that being the idea of it too.
So we all reasonably and rightly approach
it in different ways...
But whatever it is it is somehow a good thing
to do and am grateful for it, have pretty
much given up all those egroups I belonged