Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Under the wire

Nothing like getting my day's entry started at 23:59.

The day brought some critical realizations, most of which won't lend themselves easily to a journal entry. I am more broken and sinful than I had ever imagined, but that never should have been news to me— only pride, the great self-important lie, would have me believe otherwise. My brokenness reveals my need, and my need reveals my Lord. There is mysterious glory in this.

But I do scare myself more than yesterday, and that's saying something significant. I wanted to be a better man, but better still to be honest. If I hadn't, I'd have crushed something beautiful into ashes, creating and becoming a monster. Despite my actions, there is yet beauty in this.

Uniquely hard to grasp that I could be loved as I am, not as I ought be. That's a bit of theology that seems quite acceptable and safe until I'm confronted with it in reality. Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever faced that in such a real way before now. I had no idea how to respond, except with insecurity. There is a disorienting freedom in this.

Moments of truth aren't always clean or clear. Life is messy. But I'm learning that love requires patience and sacrifice. I suspect this is what faith and hope are for. I need lots of both, and perhaps I got a fresh supply today.

  • Rhythms and revisiting

    Apparently I'm doing some sort of coffee shop tour, if the past couple of mornings are any indication. Caffe Vita isn't an unusual spot for me,…

  • Push

    Wound up back at Espresso Vivace for the first time in ages, waiting for the bank to open so I can get my workday rolling. One of the effects our…

  • Eventless

    Yesterday was largely eventless, which is what I'd like (and very well might need) more days to be. Beautiful springtime weather was a nice bonus,…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.