Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai
  • Mood: apathetic

Sometimes

Should be at a party just now (one of two), but I'm not. Should have made calls to shore up volunteers for tomorrow morning's services, but I haven't. Should be seriously stressed about not having done these things and not having all the ducks in a row, but I'm not. Something good about being at Victrola, typing on my iBook— I feel like I'm doing something even while I'm getting nothing accomplished. Sometimes I don't know the difference between peace and denial.

Trying to engage my mind and heart with searching for God's fingerprints, His patterns, His leading. Afraid I (like most) make it more difficult than it truly is, probably in order to reserve for myself the right to filter out the possibilities that don't agree with me. Asking and listening are frightening prospects. Sometimes I hear counsel that smacks of wisdom from friends, yet know I'll go another way.

My vision is becoming clearer when I stop looking so far ahead. Today's faithfulness is often remarkably simple, while tomorrow's faithfulness remains a fearful, impossible puzzle. Wonder sours to fear when I ask "What will I do?" rather than "What will He do?" This moment, this one, often calls for less consideration and more presence from me. Sometimes I ask what God is up to rather than seeing how He is already at work and seeking to join Him there.

Sometimes I'm afraid. Sometimes I'm not.
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