Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Do you want to get well?

—Jesus (John 5:6)

The question isn't as odd as I might think. It's not about "counting the cost" in the traditional sense; it's about changing my identity. I think I want to be well, but I've learned to identify with my sickness, made some sort of peace with it, made it part of who I am. Giving up that sickness truly is a sacrifce. In fact, it's the only one I can make at all— my brokenness is all I have to give. I must be willing to become someone new, to walk in that truth, to receive a new identity. I can't rest in who I thought I was, in who I used to be, in my own self-centered way of navigating a broken life. Do I really want to get well?

A little jangled inside— spent time this morning wrestling with old wounds and unresolved questions. It's still hard. I still feel the losses, and I still feel like a freak.

For the most part, this bothers me, too. In some ways, more than one might think. It's funny how things come together.

See, you are well again. Stop sinning or something worse may happen to you.

—Jesus (John 5:14)
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