Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

"You may be right. I may be crazy."

Last night's Community Group brought yet another new attender: Rachel just moved to Seattle from Salt Lake City, simply to have a fresh start and establish residency in Washington before returning to school for art and business. It is good to have new people with us each week; it renews us and keeps us welcoming without compromising a sense of closeness.

Heather asked me a couple of tough personal questions when it was just the two of us before group time. I deeply appreciate her concern for me— she is looking out for my good. Yet I cannot explain to her why I believe the risks I am taking are worthwhile, possibly even necessary. In part, it is also a mystery to me. Objectively, I would advise myself to seek a different way than the path I tread.

She may be right; I could be (self-)deluded. But there is so much she doesn't know and likely can't understand. Sometimes revealing a part of my life can only result in confusion for those who care for me. And I don't feel like giving her access to the next level, like being a freak in my "normal" life. Trust comes in layers, most of the time.

Skipped the Jason Harrod show just to wind down a bit. I'm a tired man with grave and pressing concerns in this moment; a concert wasn't where I needed to be.

Sleep came in sections, as it often does now, when I am focused. At my 02:30 wake-up, I realized that Ben Sisko and the crew of Deep Space Nine were on to keep me company for a while. God is good to me in small and personal ways.

So much risk. Lord, have mercy.

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