Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

  • Mood:

"It must be hard being an angel"

A man's steps are directed by the Lord.
   How then can anyone understand his own way?

—Proverbs 20:24

Dark day in my spirit, for no single discernable reason. It is a time when every awful thing I might think about anyone (including, especially including, myself) seems to ring true, when I can plot every hope I've ever had somewhere on the continuum between a dream born of foolishness and an out-and-out lie. Filled with anger, jealousy, resentment, and the still blacker emotions that may lurk beneath.

Are causes important? Maybe, but maybe only peripherally. Doubt I could solve anything anyway. Pointless, meaningless. Ride it out, read or pray when I can, hope He shows up while I wish I'd go away. I could kill a man now, and I know it. Have you ever faced that side of yourself? I have, a long time ago. Sometimes my calm analysis and steadfast presence are but a paper screen. Don't try to look behind it— that won't help any of us, and I have no answers here.

So why here, why now, why me? How can this heart of darkness be called to compassion, to guidance, to support, to leadership, to friendship, to love? I know the theology. Somewhere I even believe it. But that I would be the man to walk the path before me— this seems incomprehensible in my darker times.

Sometimes I just want to fight.

It must be hard being an angel
When the devil in your heart won't set you free.
It must be hard being an angel
When the world has let you down, imperfection all around
Hey look at me.

—Mike + The Mechanics, "Nobody's Perfect"

  • The analog ideal and the digital real

    There’s an underlying issue that’s been bugging me on the digital vs. analog stuff I’ve seen off and on for some time. So on Facebook, I tried to lay…

  • Being the limiting resource in the rushing stream

    Last weekend was our church's annual Men's Retreat, with the theme of "Living Intentionally." Though I was only able to attend a portion of the time…

  • Losses and messes

    Hasn't been the easiest past couple of weeks. Nothing awful in the scheme of things; just a steady stream of losses and messes, departures and FUBAR…

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.
  • 1 comment