Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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What's my motivation?

The only time you have all your ducks in a row is when they're dead.

—Monty Shanks

Some of my external stress comes from a quarterly schedule (July-September) for volunteers that I haven't yet completed. Not sure why I keep procrastinating it, but the result is that I have to recruit 35+ volunteers to keep things running each Sunday. Either way, each week I have to try to line up the ducks and fill in the blanks, and nothing quite stays in place. And on the one hand, that's why it's work, yet on the other, it's a perpetual clean up job in which I find myself growing hard-hearted against those who make the mess. In this case, I'm just making my own mess.

The internal part is that I have no trust: no trust on a human level that people will come through, and no trust on a spiritual level that God will take care of me and of His church. Hope and trust require one another, and I fail to hope because I am tired of waiting and tired of being disappointed.

You'd think I'd know better.

Finances and phone calls for the remainder of the afternoon. At least I have some (yummy) lunch in me now. I want to keep being lazy, but I've pushed myself to the wire, the point where desperation is converted to motivation.

Is that where I'm pushing myself in relation to God, too?

Motivation is a combination of two elements: discomfort and hope.

—Hank Durand

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