Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Utter depravity

It's been a week full of moral dilemmas for me. Not that it should have been-- right and wrong have been abundantly clear from the start, but I've picked wrong over and over again because it felt good and helped me forget about my other problems for a little while. It also tore me apart, bit by bloody bit.

And although I've been acting like a self-centered pig for a while, the repercussions of it didn't really hit until people started being vulnerable. By trusting me, they put themselves in a position where I would hurt them either way, if I did the right thing or the wrong one.

So I came clean, told the truth, burned the bridges, and shut the doors I never should have opened. These aren't new places for me to stumble, but I've always just run away before (and always ended up coming back). This time I couldn't, not without being honest. I couldn't have people hurting and believing it was because of something they did. They deserved to know that the fault was mine. The rest is between them and God, and all I can do is pray. I never wanted to hurt anyone.

It's funny: I'll do things that I know do damage to me, but if it feels good in the short term, I do them anyway. But once I start caring about other people involved, I reach a point where I can't bear the hurt my actions are going to cause.

I just hope I learn this time, that I really lay all the broken parts of me that made this happen in front of God for His healing touch. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt, or that I'm not scared, but I've been given a tiny, tiny glimmer of faith, and I can't let that gift go to waste.

Jesus said, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners" (Mark 2:17). That's me.

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