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Flailing

Been trying very hard, in all the wrong ways, to forget myself today. It hasn't been effective in the least: the only observable results have been driving a wedge between myself and God, and being an insensitive, self-centered, hurtful jerk to almost anyone I can reach.

(I'm glad I can't separate myself from Him. If I could, I'd have been done for long ago.)

Feels good to be taking these moments to write, in the dark other than the glow of the screen and a few electronic lights scattered about. Peaceful. Why didn't I just rest today?

Had lunch with Nate. Tried to articulate what I've been going through, but it felt inadequate. That gives me some pause about how much to share with my Community Group as a whole. Probably better to invite them to follow up with me on an individual level: then I can be more discerning on what to share. Just because I want to be in community doesn't mean much of my path won't continue to be solitary. I should face that now. Again.

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If you want the full lyrics, I'll go dig up my CD to get them, and find out what the name of the CD is, if you don't already have them/know this song, but reading this post, this just came to mind.

King of the Jungle
Steven Curtis Chapman.

Well, the day's just getting started,
And I'm already running late,
With too many irons in the fire,
And too much on my plate.
I'd be pulling my hair out
If I could just get one hand free,
And I'd stop this world
If I could find the key.

What I feel
Is telling me I'm going crazy
But what is real
Says that God is still on His throne.
What I need
Is to remember one thing:
That the Lord of the gentle breeze is
Lord of the rough and tumble
And He is the King of the Jungle.
This is one of my favorites from that album. Thank you for the wonderful reminder, Zanne.