Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai

  • Mood:

Careful what you wish for

Noticed myself trying to slip back into some of the patterns of my old life (before this) through the weekend. It doesn't fit anymore. Think it's part of my process of seeking comfort and trying to dull the now-awakened longing. Like a diet of cotton candy and circus peanuts, I may jump at it because of my cravings, but I leave sick, empty, and unsatisfied.

So my old life won't do, though I'll doubtless be tempted to return again. Yet this new life holds more longing than I thought bearable. Such a clear choice. I want to learn how to live with it.

A moment of surprising, silly joy with Phil at church this morning. The interaction was pretty average, yet there was joy in it all the same. Perhaps joy, or some aspect of it, is always unexpected.

The rest of church/work this morning was a grumbly time. Lots of chaos and irresponsibility to manage. Think I was also burdened with self-righteousness based on how much work I've put in lately. Was given so many unexpected blessings to help carry the load, even though I don't appreciate them enough (Stephanie, Erick, Seth, Chad, et al). Also glad there is some rest this afternoon.

At Victrola waiting for Winter and Garret (who arrive at 3:00). Wanted to help however I could: Garret is considering the honors program, and Winter is graduating from it, so I made the connection. Hope it helps him decide; he's a good kid with a heart of gold.

Starting to think I didn't give Agent Scully nearly enough credit.
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