Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai
banzai
  • Music: Jars of Clay, "Much Afraid"

Stay awhile

Saw Episode II: Attack of the Clones last night with a group of friends. Don't have much to write about the movie, because that's not where my mind was. I'd hoped that being out with people at a festive event would be a good break, but it didn't work any magic-- I felt powerfully, deeply alone.

Going from 4:30 am to 3:00 am was more than my body is accustomed to anymore, so waking up this morning (first around 7:00 am) was a sickly, surreal experience. By 10:00 am I was ready to get moving and start toward work. The office is just me for the next two days, which is really good and really bad for me.

Stay a while...

My prayers have been mostly "why" and "please." My life is raw, my body is even sore from unknown strain. I remember why I shut down last time, and this time is harder still: the mission that gave me purpose in those days is now gone. New life, new purpose, my only hopes-- while I have those promises, it takes faith beyond what I'm finding. And how pathetic that I would make this all about me.

Can't I just shut down? Can't I just run? Can't I just look away?

Stay a while...
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