Rage
mood: 
enraged
enraged-Shaft
I'd like to think of myself as an intelligent, rational, gentle person. Yet there are things in this world that ignite a smoldering rage within me. A lot of it (loathe as I am to admit it) is willful male bravado, a testosterone-fueled haze that occurs as we hurt or see others hurt and feel powerless to help, comfort, or stop the pain. Another part is deeper and scarier by far.
Like all my emotions of recent days, I'm in over my head on this one, too. Restraint is taking so much of my energy; I've tasted bile throughout the day. A couple of blow-ups, too-- I'm glad I've been in the office alone today. I long for the strange stillness of yesterday afternoon (not just for myself) and a shared recipe for tea.
Community Group is not something I look forward to tonight. I can't invite them to be where I am. Now, that's not even where I want to be. I just want to be where there's the clink of a teacup and an occasional glance upward.
And I don't know if I can have it.
[Of course, I'm more than anyone the guilty one here for not allowing the brothers and sisters in my community to know the depths of my struggles. Sometimes there are things that just seem better unsaid. I don't want to look bad, I guess. I'm not convinced that things are actually as they seem though. I should trust more what I know about God's family.]
If there's one thing I know and understand about, it's brain-melting rage that makes homicide feel quite very possible, even desirable.
Emotions run deep with me. The only way to stop them from running deep is to stop them utterly, which is actually worse. ::sighs::
But that's why I buy old, cheap-o plates from resale shops like Salvation Army and smash them on the driveway when I really need to destroy and obliterate something. It's amazing how calming that is.
And if I can make another suggestion to vent the rage if you're mad at a specific person, this is gonna sound incredibly rediculous, but it actually works, at least for me. I discovered it when I was still reeling from being viciously backstabbed by someone I adored and called family.
You know the Hokey-Pokey song? Grab a pillow. Imagine the pillow is the body of the person you're mad at. Pretend you're holding that person by their arm. "You put your right arm in!" Pretend you, while still holding their right arm, throw them and bodyslam them to the ground. "You pull your right arm out" same thing, but slam the pillow on the ground behind you. "You put your right arm in" repeat step one. "And you shake it all about" -- slam that pillow into everything; walls, chairs, bed, sofa, floor, etc. "You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself about" -- swing that pillow overhead like a lasso.
Keep doing it. Remember to sing as bright and chipper and perky and cheerfully upbeat as you can. This is important. Move on ot the left arm, right leg, left leg, etc. Keep doing it, and it will usually get that aggression and rage out, and the point about keeping the song in a chipper tune will also help cheer you up, and it becomes silly, and kind of releases the steam from the pressure cooker.
Sounds stupid, I know, but it works for me. (Just might not want to do it around witnesses or you might find yourself wearing a special, white jacket... ^_~)
But thanks so much for sharing your thoughts with me-- next time, I may give the hokey pokey a try. Babylon 5 gave me a particular weakness for it.