Maximillian Amadeus Banzai (banzai) wrote,
Maximillian Amadeus Banzai

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Feel hungover, but didn't have a drop to drink. Failed to find the stillness or rest that would have been good for me last night. I slept eventually, but it doesn't feel like it.

I'm a mess, plain and simple. Feeling everything at once, as if I've opened Pandora's Box. So much for which I should simply feel grateful, but the storm inside defies simplicity. A long time ago, after feeling too much, I think I shut off the lights and closed the door to a part of my heart, locking the hurting part inside. Suddenly, unexpectedly, the cobwebbed door opens, light– beautiful, brilliant, overwhelming– fills that chamber, and I find that part again, a boy still curled in fetal position as tightly as the knot abiding in my stomach.

Want to be a stronger man, a better man. I know His strength is made perfect in weakness, but this hurts, and I don't feel much like His man at all. Oddly, my circumstances and wild heart give me a surprising fellowship with people whose actions I couldn't understand a week ago. It's like having the emotional content of endless days fed directly into my system, leaving me gasping for breath. How can this be?

Used to think that no one else understood and did my best to make peace with that pain. I learned to live with it. What if someone else understanding, seeing is more painful still? I don't know whether I'm less alone or more.

What does it mean to trust Him in this? What does it mean to be faithful?

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