The Banzai Chronicles

Full day with worship and work, then some time at Murphy's with Gary, one of my RA staff from my University of Maryland days. Good to catch up. Crashed hard afterward, then took in Charlie Bartlett over leftover Aussie Pie.

Great sermon this morning—something I'd like to write more about, just not tonight. There's big stuff in who we are to be together as the church.

Been a bit under the weather since Wednesday—just a mild cold thus far, thankfully. Has me going a bit slower than usual, but since everything else is also going a bit slower than usual with the Christmas holiday, it's not so bad. barlow_girl was a trooper and went on a post-Christmas decoration shopping expedition, so we'll be equipped for a real tree next year (this year's tree occupies a tiny pot, and we should probably find a home for it soon).

Yesterday's brunch was fun and, oddly enough, I wound up coming home from the white elephant exchange with a gift from my Amazon wish list—an electric wine-bottle opener. Not the kind of thing I'd ever be likely to buy myself, since it's languished on the list for years, but it should be fun to play with for free, and if it breaks, no biggie. Robert & Kelly put out a great spread and were gracious, engaging hosts.

Tonight we're heading out with Jenna & Paul for dinner with Jenna's mom. Looking forward to it, a little moreso since I spent most of the afternoon asleep. Tomorrow is work and worship, so things aren't going to stay slow.

Our Christmas travel to visit family isn't until January, so we're enjoying a quiet Christmas in Seattle today. Our friends Robert & Kelly are hosting a Christmas brunch in a couple of hours, which promises to be fun. Otherwise, a simple day off together is plenty to look forward to in its own right.

Last night we celebrated Christmas Eve with Aussie pie (delicious!) and The Long Kiss Goodnight (also delicious!). Patrick Stewart's version of A Christmas Carol is ringing in the morning, and It's a Wonderful Life awaits for later in the day.

Been missing writing; life just feel that much more disordered when I don't. As far as I can imagine, just bucking up and doing it is the only solution, I think.

Getting back on the journalling horse is oddly daunting. I've had the window open to start an entry a few times recently, but no go until now. Not that there's anything to it, just a nebulous inertia made stronger by regular forays into Facebook or Twitter that scratch the itch a bit. Not that that's real reflection by any stretch—and not that this will be, either.

Noteworthy current or recent past events:

• barlow_girl is away on our church's first women's retreat, at Sahalie Ski Club. Weather being what it is, we're praying for a timely, safe trip back. I'm pretty much over temporary bachelorhood.
• Upgraded our home theater to a Blu-ray system, which has been just plain fun. The weirdest part hasn't been the system itself, but the fact that we bought speaker stands via Craigslist from a former Playgirl centerfold. This should (but won't) teach me to beware of unnecessary Googling.
• Had beers with Merlin Mann and other folks last week in an impromptu meetup he initiated. Funny, energetic guy, which is pretty much as expected. And he picked up the tab, which is always appreciated.
• This Wednesday is the annual Pre-Thanksgiving Stomach Stretching Feast (my sixth) at Buca di Beppo, followed by Thanksgiving dinner with friends at our home Thursday. It's so great to have more space to entertain and enjoy, and many guests at each event will be able to get to know new people.

Bussing it to church today (we're just having one service because of the retreat), so I'd better scoot.

Since the sun is rising later, I'm getting more time on clear mornings to sit outside and write before being blinded by it. Would love to learn to use that time well, because I'm just better when I'm regularly taking the time to write.

Spent the evening at Paul & Jenna's yesterday. Kind of a tough choice, since we were also invited to an end-of-summer party with lots of church friends, but A) it's always fun to hang out with Paul & Jenna, and 2) hanging with church folks in larger groups often feels like work to me, especially on Saturday nights (with Sunday morning so soon on its way). It's easy for me to assign the latter feeling to the "grumpy old man" category, but when I really think about it, the picture becomes more clear:

• I'm an introvert, so bigger gatherings always take more from me.
• That kind of thing is also often filled with small talk, another thing that's not a favorite. I need to use as much small-talk energy as I can muster each Sunday morning (I often go over what other people are going to want to talk about—weather, sports, current events, etc.—before work starts, because I find most of it mind-numbingly boring, but it's what others want), so I don't need to be depleting it the night before.
• Sometimes there are games. Yeesh.
• Other than the small talk, what most church people know how to talk with me about is, not surprisingly, work. It's possible some of that would change if I spent more time with them, but a party isn't a good venue for that and has too broad of an audience than can realistically know me well anyway.
• I do like smaller gatherings—having dinner together, etc. When I thought of having dinner with nearly anyone I might chat with at a party, I realized I would probably enjoy that. This was really helpful, as that realization countered my internal accusation that I "just don't like people."

Part of being both limited and semi-public is that I'll need to say no more often than I can say yes, and I'm not abandoning my Christian call to sacrifice for others by passing on some things that just don't fit. Neither do I want it to be all about my "living authentically," because I've seen so many people go completely off the rails in pursuit of that pseudo-psychological goal that it makes me angry just to think about it. There's a difference between boundaries and narcissism, and as in all things, I have Someone to follow who won't lead me astray.

Back at Irwin's for rainy-morning coffee—if I can't enjoy our roof deck, spending a while here for old time's sake is a good alternative. Love the rain and the fact that I have no plans for the day.

Updated the Macs to Snow Leopard with a minimum of fuss yesterday (and huge savings of hard drive space, which makes a tremendous difference on my MacBook Pro), then went to Chris & Molly's place for dinner and conversation. They're such good listeners and friends to us, and I'd love to do that more often with them (and hopefully do more listening than talking this time!).

That's in tension with my regular feelings of overextension and the challenges of relationship with anyone beyond a surface level. As with so many other things, something inside me is just plain lazy and wants everything to be easier than it really can be. So I need to regularly remind myself that even my very best friendships have been fraught with misses as well as hits—sometimes because I'm being a jerk, sometimes because of things beyond my control, often just because we're all people and that's always a mixed bag. Lots of our connection with Chris & Molly comes naturally and easily, so I don't want to be thrown if and when it takes a little work to be friends. As usual, I'm anticipating, but I know me, and sometimes a preemptive strike is necessary to combat my laziness and perfectionism.

Full day of work capped by a Mariners' game with our communitygroup leaves me a tired guy. Since the sun beat me to writing in my journal on the roof deck this morning (once it's up on a clear day, there's not much hope of doing anything but squinting), I'm going for a couple of lines up here tonight by the light of the half-moon.

Sometimes the nature of my work gets to me—I love the overarching purpose of what I do (and too few of those of us blessed enough to have jobs can say that), but there are days like today when that means trying to navigate financial and legal labyrinths without many outside resources. Add to that the fact that the stuff I'm trying to wrap my head around is connected to ventures we're excited to launch into boldly, and I wind up feeling like the killjoy who's slowing things down, applying brakes when everyone would (understandably) rather be hitting the gas (and often have been, so I'm playing catch up, too). It's just a weird but probably necessary spot to be in, and I have to remember that I'm not as alone as I feel when I'm in it.

The quiet of the night does wonders to quiet me inside, too. I love looking out over the city without all the noise and voices and questions and requests.

We had a great visit by quiltlady (barlow_girl's mom) this past weekend, affording us the chance to play tourists in our own hometown. Friday we toured Theo Chocolate and rode the Ducks, and Saturday was mostly downtime for me while she and Amy went to the farmer's market, checked out some yard sales and fabric stores, went for high tea at Queen Mary, and attended Susan's baby shower (in the meantime, I checked out the anniversary sale at Comics Dungeon, where I met mercuryeric). Sunday was much more packed for me, starting with work and worship, then a dash to the Chapel of St. Ignatius for Connor & Sara's son's baptism, then back over to Volunteer Park for our annual church picnic. We dropped Amy's mom off at the airport early Monday morning, and I've been getting back into the standard groove since then.

What is a standard groove, anyway? Think I'm trying to figure that out—since (at least) when we decided to move earlier this summer, I've been shuffling things around and often just trying to keep up. Now that our busy season has hopefully passed, I'm hoping to find some better and more sustainable rhythms. For example, it's great to be able to do lots of my work from home, but I haven't yet been settled enough to bring good discipline or focus to the table on a regular basis. Likewise, we'll be restarting weekly meetings of our communitygroup soon, and I don't think either of us have a great grasp of what we want the rest of our weeknights to look like (they've tended to just be stuffed with stuff for the summer). By no means do I want a locked-in routine, just a better sense of what life looks like beyond doing the next urgent thing.

Enjoying a communitygroup overnight at velouria73's family beach home on Camano Island. As is usually the case, it's challenging to stop (painting, of course) and rest, but it's also been so rewarding—not because of any amazing shared mountaintop experience, but simply to be with these friends. They're so wonderful, and spending time like this is part of living our lives together in Christ, even in the fumbling, stumbling steps we're able to take.

( Struggles with 'community' )

Thankfully, those aren't struggles I'm wrestling with in our Community Group—the contrast between what we're doing here and what I hear others go on about is just striking enough to bring them to mind. We're learning and trying to love one another as He has loved us, which may not be that sexy most of the time and will certainly be fraught with failure (and hopefully repentance and forgiveness). But it's what He commanded us to do, what He prayed for us to do (John 17), and what His Spirit is empowering us to do. And we're trying, which I have to believe is better than high-mindedly talking about it while turning our backs on the people God's placed in our lives. Perhaps this choice seems mundane, but I believe it's a faithful one.

More painting today. Readers can simply insert that phrase whenever I'm not updating, because that's what I'll be doing. We've got great help (Brian & Carolyn are coming over today, Carrie is helping Monday, and Jenna and the Verschuyls are up later in the week) and are making good progress; it's all simply a reminder that I don't want more than one job if I can help it. The painting itself is pretty easy, but the constant project management—figuring out and communicating about what's next, doing everything in the proper order, coordinating volunteer help, etc.—gets heavy and doesn't relent. Since that's the same energy and work as my job, it's taking a toll. Don't think there's an easier way (and trying to find one is yet more work along the same lines), so I just limp forward until I'm back to one job again. It's not that big of a deal, I remind myself, and it's true. I'm just really, really tired and won't have actual rest until the house stuff is done. The end of the month is my hope.

On the "good stuff" side (actually, it's all good stuff, there's just a lot of it, all the time), we had fun at Linda's annual bonfire last night at Golden Gardens. Been a long time since I did anything like that and it's great celebrating Linda's birthday while seeing her do something she absolutely loves with friends. We also finally had a breakthrough with Comcast (after a month) and are going to have cable and internet installed Tuesday. The latter is by far the most exciting for me (as we've been unreliably mooching from the landlords for all this time), but it'll also be fun to get the TiVo HD up and running (which we ordered just before deciding to move, so haven't used). Another good thing running through all of this has been the weather—much milder with regular cloud cover. It's made everything so much easier for me, and I'm thankful every morning.

Next weekend is a Community Group retreat, which I'm at once looking forward to and too overwhelmed to think about. Coordinating another project puts a knot in my stomach, but that's what it means to love others well right now. And yet again, it's not that big of a deal; I just won't be able to deal with it as soon or as completely as I otherwise might. barlow_girl has been doing the lion's share of the planning and communication, and what remains will be OK whatever form it has to take (since everyone has directions, food plans, etc.). If it's not OK for me to model what it means to be limited, then I'm being an awful leader.

Off to finish my scone and get to painting—second coat on two walls and some trim, then taping things off for priming, then priming, then cutting in on two walls, then painting them with their first coat. Poor Amy has to go into the office today in addition to hearing me whine, so she has the harder part.

Though we're far from the miserable temperatures of last week, it can still get pretty stuffy in the afternoons. This morning, however, I'm wishing I'd worn slippers to breakfast on the roof deck. If that sounds like a complaint, you don't know me.

Paul & Jenna stopped by last night for dinner at Murphy's and gelato at Fainting Goat. We really enjoy their friendship and company.

It's nice to be done with fighting a two-front war on our move. Now that everything is in the house, we face the next challenge of finding a place for everything and everything in its place. That involves not only our current stuff, but finding new furniture and painting our last three rooms (to my relief, the attic bedroom is getting a pass). Even with so much new space, it's tricky to move things around for the next step and to do those in the right order. barlow_girl found a whole living room set for free from her boss' sister, so that's yet another Godsend, even if we have to retrieve it from Monroe (which we do). But our den really needs painting before we can get it. We also want to find a desk for Amy, but it's hard to tell just where it will go until after we paint and furnish (which also affects its size and style).

Settling in is good, and will be even better. Even when it's hot and I'm whiny.

Yesterday was a social day—we chose three of six possible commitments and had a great time. Staci hosted a Seafair party with a delicious brunch and a viewing of the Blue Angels air show, Matt & Rebekah held their second annual lawn party, and Irwin's threw an anniversary party for their customers. Thankfully, Irwin's is just steps away from our new place, because I was so stuffed and tired by the end of the day that stumbling home was all I could muster.

Work and worship this morning. Still feeling a bit tired; probably a cumulative effect also contributed to by the heat. We may get some time with Paul & Jenna later today, which would be fun—it's been too long. Mostly, I want to go back to bed, but there are a few hours of troubleshooting and answering any question that crosses anyone's mind to deal with first.

Taking my breakfast and writing while looking out over Seattle from the roof deck of our new house (a rental—anyone in Seattle or who knows our housing market knows that we won't be buying anytime soon). We've been painting for the last couple of weeks and got the the bulk of our move done yesterday. Moving's a lot simpler when you're going from 650 square feet to a house around twice the size. But the real difference on both painting and moving has been the help of many dear and generous friends. Most seemed surprised that it was so easy, but that's largely because so many of them helped carry the load (figuratively and literally) at different times. We're so grateful to God for them and for this place we get to call home now.

Hoping for a bit more quiet and rest as we settle in this week. There's more painting to come (hallway, den, and bedroom), but the pace is less frenetic. The den can't really be tackled until we settle more anyway—it's full of stuff that's finding homes in the rest of the house—and the other two rooms shouldn't be too tough now that we're here (famous last words, I'm sure). This past week was a harder push for us, and I think we're both ready to feel less divided.

Trying, trying again on having a bit of discipline with my morning, simply setting aside time before anything else for Scripture reading and whatever prayer, journaling, etc. may arise from that. Realized at ManTime that I really need this space in to grow in my relationship with God—which, not coincidentally, affects my relationship with all reality.

We've had great help from friends thus far in our painting adventures at the new house: Jenna, Linda, and the Andersens have all pitched in and made the load lighter, and some treats from velouria73 made it that much yummier. After a long day Saturday, we had our first deck cookout with Brendan & Janet, and later enjoyed fireworks and rootbeer floats from the smaller roof deck. It was a good glimpse into the lives we want to live in the house.

There's so much more to go. It's hard not to be overwhelmed by it, but I know it will get done and we'll be fine. Paul & Jenna are coming over tonight for more painting help (notice a theme?), and we want to set up some kind of schedule in which other friends can pitch in as they like (I had to get a volunteer schedule out for work before I could devote any time to our own version).

Was looking forward to breakfast at Voula's with the Andersens, but just noticed (thanks to linking this entry) that they're closed through Sunday. Bummer.

My friend Kendall has recently adopted a morning routine that includes journalling; hearing about that and its rewards reminds me of how rich that kind of simple discipline has been for me in the past. For years I've struggled with (and against) creating spaces for stillness in my life. Part of me would very much like to stop kicking against the goads, so this morning and this entry are initial steps in that direction.

Likewise, prayer and Scripture reading have been sporadic and/or anemic for me, in part because those disciplines have had their "home" in that space. I'm talking about quiet time, though I'm resistant to the term for all sorts of reasons (many good, many petty). And I don't know which deficiency has given rise to the other, only that they're obviously related. So I'm trying to create the space again, in the spirit of "if you build it, they will come."

Yesterday was full of things I'd rather avoid, to the point of feeling sick to my stomach time and again. From hearing friends rail against the church to having uncomfortable conversations to high-end clothes shopping, I just wanted to withdraw over and over again. When I think about it (from a safe distance), it seems this literal gut reaction may be a great indicator of where I need to be saved.

The need for salvation is ongoing for all people. As a Christian, I'm called to embrace this and to look to my Savior, crying out to Him for whatever I need and walking forward in faith. It's not the kind of life my flesh wants to live, but it's reality and it's the life I need to live because of that. When I struggle like this, I need to remember and be reminded that I am a man who needs to be saved. My wife barlow_girl is a gentle and loving encourager to me in this, and I thank God for her. Sometimes it takes a while for me to catch on to what He's doing (and often I never do), yet He holds me in my weakness, saving me long before I ever realize that I need it. That's always been His way.

I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
    and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
O LORD you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
    you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name
For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

—Psalm 30:1-5

Another in a string of beautiful mornings—so nice to be able to enjoy our courtyard in peace (unlike last year at this time). Since the MacBook Pro returned from the shop this Tuesday, I can journal from here as well. And while I'm not as oogly about the sunshine as most around here, I do appreciate the mornings and evenings.

We took in Around the World in 80 Days at Taproot last night withSeth & Adrianne. Fun show and good company. Diaconate meeting later this morning, and tonight we're headed to Andy & Wendy's for Galaxy Quest.

Lots to do for our annual Leadership Offsite next Saturday, enough that it's a bit daunting. Mostly, it'll just take plenty of time, and I've tried to set aside enough in my schedule. Hoping to get food catered from Victor's (where barlow_girl and I met up with jmcphers many moons ago), but if they don't call me back, then my hands are figuratively tied. Not too tough to round up another vendor, though.

Thoroughly enjoying the Memorial Day weekend, in large part because it's absent the debacle of last year's model. Relaxing and looking forward to time with friends just adds to the enjoyment, as does the great weather (though I'm completely over Seattlelites' obsession with weather as the fully external determinant of their moods).

Since shipping off my MacBook Pro for repair Tuesday—apparently it likes to act up every year or so, and I think this time might be the end of the line for sinking money into it—my work iMac has been here at home. It's felt pretty good to keep things running from here, and that might affect my rhythms, at least for the summer. Even when I'm a grump, something in me loves the challenge of adaptation.

Through the wonders of the internet, just read a far-away former student lament the ignorance he sees in others, noting how sad or frustrating it can be and how sometimes "it merely reveals how small minded they are." Yuck. Seeing it elsewhere makes me acutely aware of A) how much I don't want to see people that way, and 2) how often I do. It's grotesque, and so very far from the dignity God's image bearers should always hold in the eyes of His people. Change me, Lord.

My schedule's all out of whack trying to manage a longstanding issue with graphics artifacts and frequent freezes on my MacBook Pro. Folks at the Apple Store have been as helpful as they're able, but since it's passed stress testing and they haven't observed the problem firsthand (of course it behaves well for them, but crashes within an hour of coming home!), there's not much they've been able to do yet. Bringing it back today for another look—this means visiting University Village every day this week thus far, which is as close to Hell as I'd like to get.

Sucks that I've been such a grump lately, which isn't anyone's fault but mine. Thankfully there've been great times with barlow_girl and friends over the past few days, mostly untainted by my attitude. Think I'm trying to take on a life that would take at least two of me to manage, but I don't know what to drop (and/or don't know if I'd be willing to do so). Kill my television? Clear my schedule? Box my comics? Thin my friendship commitments? Unplug my internet? Restructure my job? Rhythm eludes me—my elementary school music teacher diagnosed the problem long ago.

The early sunrises are a bit intimidating when a long day lies ahead. My persistent fear of being used up and exhausted wakes up early, too. Yet, even though I'm tempted to mistrust it, something in me looks forward to the day. Sometimes hope breaks through the Red Rover lineup.

Lots of new things for friends this weekend: Seth & Adrianne married yesterday way up in Vanderhoof, BC, Zack & Gala welcomed their third son into the world, and Ben & Sara were sent home from the hospital, still pregnant with their first son and thankful for God's goodness in keeping him inside a bit longer (they went in for pre-term labor last week at 33 weeks). Thinking about all of their joy, I'm struck by the beauty of faith. We live in an age and culture that exalts the struggle and messiness of belief, and sometimes I forget how beautiful and compelling it is when people actually believe.

That's not to minimize the reality, importance, and beauty of struggling.* It's just so refreshing to see trust in God shining through in joy, not because of denial based in fear, but because God is truly worthy of our trust, and there's a freedom that comes with doing so. That faith is a gift from Him, and I want to look for it more often—inside and out.


*Blogging about faith and beauty almost requires such a disclaimer, which makes me a little sad that faith can't be simply proclaimed as beautiful these days. But I digress, hence the footnote.

Had a very full day yesterday, with a Diaconate meeting in the morning, hanging with Chris & Molly in the early afternoon, swinging by Brian & Carolyn's housewarming party, and being Linda's guests for dinner in the evening. Been thinking a lot over the past few weeks about just where I fit with other people, and yesterday served as an interesting cross section of my relationships. No sweeping conclusions yet, if there will ever be—honestly, I'm not expecting or trying to build a system. I just wonder where my place is, and insights along those lines, even if scattered and few, are more precious than gold to me just now.

Paying attention to who I am in relation to others has given me a shot of much-needed humility in a couple of places. Serving isn't always going to be understood or even acknowledged, and it's far less comfortable for me than "leading" (which isn't always really leading), which may be a big part of why I need to do it. And my desire to be understood well isn't necessarily going to be met by those I serve or serve alongside—I don't know why I keep looking to have it met there, because there's no reason to expect the two to always be coupled.

More and more, I'm convinced we need the pluralistic chaos of the church. Of course the Body must be under Christ, the head, seeking obedience to Him over our own agendas. And of course the church is intended to be orderly in its work and worship, subject to the leadership God has appointed. But under (always under) these truths, we are many members, different by God's intent and indwelt by His Holy Spirit. The New Testament so specifically highlights the importance of these qualities—it's a new thing He's doing. We're meant to bump up against each other, often, by design, for our sanctification, for God's purposes in the world, and ultimately for His glory.

With skin on, that means being with one another, not in a holy huddle or even some post-modern "intentional community," but simply showing up. Something in us seems to want our life together to be more complicated, but I think it may be as simple as 1) living our lives 2) together.

Beyond any of the above, yesterday's mini-tour of relationships, in all their varied states, gave me a lot of gratitude. God has been good to me.