The Banzai Chronicles

barlow_girl and I are just outside of Poulsbo, WA, staying at the Green Cat Guest House for a couple of days after attending our friends' Santino & Alica's wedding Sunday evening. As we discovered last year, Sunday evening weddings are always so much more enjoyable when we can take a couple of days of downtime together afterward. It's been so good to slow down, explore, talk, and get our bearings a bit for whatever the road ahead might bring.

It's a great time to do that since, among other things, we're moving this month! We'll be settling into a house (rental—we didn't get rich or anything) just a few blocks up the street over the course of July, which will also involve lots of painting, etc. We're excited about the new place as well as the opportunity to make a new home together—when we married, Amy moved into my apartment, and while it's been great, this will be the first place that's "ours" from beginning to end, warts and all. It's also about double the space (from around 700 square feet to around 1400), which should make the moving process a lot simpler. We don't want to be in anything ginormous, though—this seems really extravagant to us—so we'll see how it goes.

There's a lot more to being on the same page than simple logistics, though. I wonder if the "marriage retreat" industry is fueled by the fact that so many couples don't—don't slow down, don't get away, don't talk together about what they value, where their life together is headed, what the vision, mission, and purpose of their marriage is. Not that there's anything necessarily wrong with getting a helping hand from a retreat others set up for us, but couples need to take responsibility for caring for one another and their marriages, even in stumbling steps with big risks and regular failures. It's not easy to own our own marital "agendas," and it can be pretty tough to even wrap our hearts and minds around the hugeness of it sometimes, but really, it's our work to do together and it's worth bucking up and doing.

My friend Kendall has recently adopted a morning routine that includes journalling; hearing about that and its rewards reminds me of how rich that kind of simple discipline has been for me in the past. For years I've struggled with (and against) creating spaces for stillness in my life. Part of me would very much like to stop kicking against the goads, so this morning and this entry are initial steps in that direction.

Likewise, prayer and Scripture reading have been sporadic and/or anemic for me, in part because those disciplines have had their "home" in that space. I'm talking about quiet time, though I'm resistant to the term for all sorts of reasons (many good, many petty). And I don't know which deficiency has given rise to the other, only that they're obviously related. So I'm trying to create the space again, in the spirit of "if you build it, they will come."

Yesterday was full of things I'd rather avoid, to the point of feeling sick to my stomach time and again. From hearing friends rail against the church to having uncomfortable conversations to high-end clothes shopping, I just wanted to withdraw over and over again. When I think about it (from a safe distance), it seems this literal gut reaction may be a great indicator of where I need to be saved.

The need for salvation is ongoing for all people. As a Christian, I'm called to embrace this and to look to my Savior, crying out to Him for whatever I need and walking forward in faith. It's not the kind of life my flesh wants to live, but it's reality and it's the life I need to live because of that. When I struggle like this, I need to remember and be reminded that I am a man who needs to be saved. My wife barlow_girl is a gentle and loving encourager to me in this, and I thank God for her. Sometimes it takes a while for me to catch on to what He's doing (and often I never do), yet He holds me in my weakness, saving me long before I ever realize that I need it. That's always been His way.

I will extol you, O LORD, for you have drawn me up
    and have not let my foes rejoice over me.
O LORD my God, I cried to you for help,
    and you have healed me.
O LORD you have brought up my soul from Sheol;
    you restored me to life from among those who go down to the pit.

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
    and give thanks to his holy name
For his anger is but for a moment,
    and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
    but joy comes with the morning.

—Psalm 30:1-5

Seriously off the wagon in regard to journalling, which is a real bummer since I'm likely to skip over so much good that's happened in the last week and instead camp out on how I'm feeling now—which is pretty sad. Not that anything terrible has happened, and certainly nothing that could be put in the category of suffering. Rather, it's just a string of failures, most of which can't be helped. I'm just awful at dealing with failure, large or small—I even dream about my failures pretty much every night. Not good.

barlow_girl and I spent a few days in Alabama visiting her family, including quiltlady and pigthatisbig. Lots of goodness in the trip, even—sometimes especially—in the hard times. I'm really proud of how people are choosing to deal with some truly awful stuff, really struggling with how to be faithful and trust God's power, love, and grace without looking away from what's tough. I picked an interesting time to join the family, and there are times I don't know if anyone quite knows what to make of me. That's pretty normal, though, and especially understandable in recent circumstances. Regardless, I know I'm loved, and anything else can grow along the way. There's much bigger stuff to deal with, anyway.

( The fail between then and now )

We're missing out more today—a while back, I booked us on the annual Snow Train to Leavenworth. I'd heard about it a year ago but couldn't make it happen, so I counted down the days until I could buy our tickets for this year, keeping it as a surprise for Amy. Seattle is usually gray and mild at Christmastime, so I thought it'd be a great treat to go to the pseudo-Alpine village there and see their tree lighting in the snow. But now that we have plenty of snow here and threat of a storm that could slam us when we try to get home, it'd be unwise to go—we're the only way the church gets opened on Sunday morning, so getting stranded makes a mess that affects many more people than just us.

So while none of it is a big deal at all, and most everything is out of our control and/or the wisest course we can choose, I'm still feeling pretty sad. Woke up to messages about how great the party was last night, with tickets sitting on my desk for the trip we couldn't go on today (non-refundable, natch), and walked out to see the bus that wasn't supposed to be running drive past me, leaving me to walk as planned, but now with the knowledge that I didn't have to. Oh, and I need to get milk on the way home, because we've been out since yesterday. And tomorrow, no matter what the weather does, we'll be making things happen so others can enjoy, because that's what we do.

At least we got to watch Die Hard.

Better is open rebuke
    than hidden love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend;
    profuse are the kisses of an enemy.

—Proverbs 27:5-6

barlow_girl and I were rebuked yesterday, absolutely rightly. The amount of courage it must have taken our friend to pull us aside and call us out is stunning, the kind that may only (and in this case, almost certainly did) come from hoping and trusting in the gospel. We're so blessed to be loved that way, by Jesus and by His Body working on His behalf.

In addition to correcting our hearts and actions, my response to our friend's loving confrontation makes me question how much I truly trust Jesus. There's no question I'm not trusting him when I acted as I did, and trusting Him enough to have the courage and love our friend showed us is part of the advanced course—it can only come once I've grappled with the fundamentals. My question arises from how difficult it is to simply receive forgiveness and grace, without having any power whatsoever.

It's not that I don't seek forgiveness (though there's no doubt I don't do so nearly often enough). When I do, however, even this comes from a place of power. I'm seeking it, I'm asking for it. And even though this feels—and is—on some level humbling, I still have power. I'm still the initiator in some respect. And when it comes in conversation or dispute, I'm still actively in it—there's usually no surprise. This time? Stone cold busted, dead to rights. That's different. No power there at all. And with every response I felt in my heart or considered in my mind, I had to ask myself, "Am I trying to regain power in this situation?" Coming clean without laying that down isn't really coming clean—we've needed to struggle with that from the other side for the last year and a half or so, but experiencing it from my own heart is very revealing. Honesty about who I am doesn't come easily.

Correcting my thoughts and actions toward others matters, a lot. After receiving our friend's gracious forgiveness, we talked about how to encourage the good and confront the evil with one another, which is terribly important. By God's Holy Spirit at work through His Church, however, we're both beginning to know deeper sin of our hearts as well. The sin that sets me against God's people is just a symptom of the sin of not believing the gospel, not only in regard them but also in regard to myself. Until I can receive forgiveness and grace from a position of absolute powerlessness, I'm not really and fully receiving it at all.

This is humbling, even shaming, but not soul-crushing. There is hope threaded through God's discipline, a hope that recasts the darkness within in the light of His glory. He is at work in His Church, a work He will complete out of His love for His people. That includes me, intimately.

It also helps me understand the necessity and goodness of His Church, which is so easily attacked, dismissed, ignored, and marginalized by Christian and non-Christian alike. This particular act of God's discipline and mercy simply would not have happened outside of His Church. On my own, I'd likely keep myself in a position of power, such that even receiving forgiveness would have left deeper, blacker sin untouched. In a self-selected community of Christians, it'd probably be the same story. If things were up to me, even in a "Christian" way, I could have dodged this merciful, grace-filled bullet.

God can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants, through whomever He wants. I believe that thoroughly—so thoroughly, in fact, that I believe Him when He is clear (and He is) that He wants to do this in and through His Church exclusively. I don't pick my team. God does.

barlow_girl and I are spending a couple more days on Whidbey Island after a wedding yesterday afternoon. Good to spend some time unwinding together outside our home and in such a naturally beautiful area.

The wedding was fun, with an unexpected-by-most change from outdoors to in at the eleventh hour. The home at which it was hosted was huge, overlooking the beach with an elevator in the main house and many other houses on the property. People pitched in and handled all the changes with grace, which was impressive when I take a step back (since my tendency is to see this stuff coming, it's easy for me to miss how great it is that people made it happen when they didn't expect it). Had a nice chat with the groom while barlow_girl whisked the bride away to do whatever she wanted to do for a few moments, which is a rare gift to give on a wedding day (See why I love her? And that's just one of the reasons!).

Sunday weddings with church friends can make for a long day when I've also worked at the church in the morning and had no downtime in between, so I was pretty wiped out by the whole combination. Now that I've rested a bit, I'm very glad we came and know what might make for better pacing should the situation arise again. Oh, and I need to have my pants hemmed. And better clothes altogether—their current state just makes this stuff all the more taxing.

Gorgeous in Seattle today—barlow_girl is weeding the courtyard and I'm out here having a beer (not exactly a fair division of labor, but she's been looking forward to trying some gardening this year). It even smells good out here. We love our place, and the rent is also great for saving up in hopes of one day owning something (though this wacky housing market may need some serious correction first). I can see a sliver of Lake Union from here, which is also none too shabby.

Still, it's hard to get off the "onward and upward" train of thought. Ever since our landlord-spurred house sale scare a couple of months ago, my brain keeps turning and turning in "what if" mode. Nothing has really changed, although ownership costs are gradually coming more into reach. Even so, what I need to keep reminding myself is that, regardless of my age and status, there's nothing more wrong with renting than there was six months ago. We have it good, and there's much less value in a property deed than there is in a good, deliberate life. Homeownership is certainly worth consideration, but that doesn't mean it should dominate or color my perspective today.

For some reason, I've been in coffee shop mode this week. That gets pricey to sustain, so hopefully I'll return to moderation soon.

With Easter, volunteer scheduling, and Intro class prep behind me, there's a bit more margin at work, leaving room to dig into developing our relationships with local service agencies a bit more. It's different work than my other tasks, because it's not ever really "completed" in a traditional sense. Instead, I have to try to define some benchmarks and milestone, ways to measure our standing and progress as we go along. My goal is to identify three spotlight service agencies (with whom we have active and growing relationships) and at least one more committee meeting (regardless of who attends) before our church offsite in June. It's exciting to see this area take on some definition and become more a part of the church's culture.

We've been pretty socially active over the past few weeks, too. In some ways, I think my social endurance is improving, in part because of how intentional we've been—why we're doing what we're doing definitely affects how much I'm willing to do and how energizing (or draining) it is for me. We're spending time with some of the people who are important to us, and that feels good.

It's almost our first wedding anniversary—crazy!

I'm geeking out over learning new ways to use Google Reader more effectively, including increased mastery of keyboard shortcuts. Trying a few new things on my Mac as well, with mixed results. Always hard to gauge what's worth getting used to and what should be abandoned. That's applicable in a lot of life, I suppose.

barlow_girl is with me at Irwin's this morning, which is a treat. I'm so glad she doesn't have to work this weekend and hope it can be a good recharging time for her.

Feels good to have been getting a few things done around the house, too. Doing everything with an eye toward the next move, whether it's sooner or later. One of the hardest things about moving is engaging the editing process with stuff while trying to juggle everything else, so the better edited we already are, the smoother it'll be. Eventually, editing can reach a point of diminishing returns, where there's just not much fat to trim and it's just work for work's sake (I think I've already started bumping up against the edges of this). There's still quite a bit to do, though, and parts of it are kind of fun.

barlow_girl comes back tonight! Hooray!

Current events I'm trying not to be too bummed about:

• barlow_girl is in Atlanta for work until Tuesday. Couples deal with separate travel and schedules all the time, and it's really not a huge deal (it weirds me out when people are incapacitated when their spouse is away), but it's still the first time we've been apart for this long and I miss her.
• Got notice from our landlords that they're selling the house, so we have to move. They cried wolf on this once before, which means it's probably for keeps this time. We have plenty of time (1 April, with a $500 bonus if we're gone by 1 March), but I still A) hate it a lot (both leaving our place and moving in general), and 2) am obsessive about finding a new place ASAP rather than having it hang over our heads.
• While waiting for the bus back from an apartment viewing yesterday, got a call from my doctor's nurse saying they had results back from Monday's upper endoscopy that may (only "may") show signs of celiac disease. Should receive a letter from the doctor soon, and they may suggest I see a nutritionist to set up a gluten-free diet, but I have no interest in doing so (as evidenced by the delicious apple scone next to me). The gluten-free thing is obnoxious, not only in what I'd need to eliminate, but also in the social ramifications—it affects what I could eat with others, and if I explained why, it'd just get worse, as I'd invariably be subjected to others' stories about the wonderful gluten-free recipes they've tried, etc. Ugh. The last part is by far the worst—I haven't see anything on the list of possible consequences of the (only) possible disease that outstrip a life of eating crap and having my interactions with people perpetually peppered with enduring evangelism about gluten alternatives. Makes me shudder just thinking about it.

So I'm keeping occupied with scouring Craigslist for apartment possibilities, watching stuff on TiVo that Amy would have no interest in (there's plenty), and working on projects around home that would be cumbersome if we were both tripping over them (though I did eliminate everything on my list that was based on our continued residency in our place, so at least the notification saved some work, too). As I consider our move, there's lots of stuff I haven't minded keeping but doubt I'd want to move (books, CDs, and so on), so I'm hoping to develop a good ongoing purging plan.

And now a horrible song just came on at Irwin's. This is just not my weekend, but I'm still going to make the best of it.

Good news bits of the week include a great initial implementation of Wesabe to track our finances, significant progress with the church website infrastructure (including a new host and Kendall signing on as webmaster), and reducing all of my email inboxes to zero.

And another song. Really not my weekend. But I'd rather fight it than let it roll over me, and that's a good thing to remember.

barlow_girl actually gets the day off today, in addition to getting home at a reasonable hour yesterday. It's so good to have unscheduled time together, as well as just space for her to rest.

Still wrestling around with some of the themes I wrote about yesterday. It's so easy for me to forget what is true—like a car with its steering out of alignment, my mind quickly drifts to its own usually-destructive direction when left to its own way. Staying on course takes both my will and power beyond myself. I can't save myself from this, but I do need to be engaged with God's work on my mind and heart, placing myself in the path of those people and things that will remind me of the truth.

Lots of getting things rolling today; it feels good to be in motion.

Making plans to head to Iowa to see my family for the holidays. Looks like we can make our trip significantly less expensive if we travel in mid-December rather than around Christmas, so that may be our best route—it'd be more challenging for me to be away at Christmastime anyway, since others' holiday plans can often throw an unexpected wrench into church stuff.

I miss barlow_girl in her work-intensive season. Pizza is not a good enough consolation. But I love how good she is at what she does, and I love that she enjoys it.

OK, time for food.

In some respects, I'm bummed that I only seem to find space to journal once every week or so these days. On the whole, however, I'm pleased with how my days are spent, so it may be better to view the change as just that—a change—whether indefinite or simply for a season. It could also be that it'll take more discipline than I've been exercising to stay in the journaling groove, but somehow the possibilities that call for more discipline have a way of sliding to the bottom of the list.

barlow_girl and I are getting in our last couple of hurrahs in before we go dark on our social calendar during her quarter-end craziness. That'll take us through most of November; hopefully our friends won't feel too neglected and will still recognize us when we're able to poke our heads back out at the end of the tunnel. If we find a little unexpected margin along the way, we may try to be spontaneously social, but during quarter-end there are few guarantees.

Since my schedule isn't as crazy as Amy's during this season, I'm hoping it'll be a good time for reflection on how I'm spending my time and my life (they're pretty much the same thing). We're so blessed, and we want to also be a blessing to others as well. There's also a lot of my spiritual "core" that too often suffers from laziness and neglect. I'm encouraged by a nudge or two in the direction I want to go; it's just a matter of remembering, pressing on, and finding rhythms that reflect my loves.

Could I sound any more post-modern spiritual-cheesy? But I really mean it.

Reasons it's a good day:

• It's Friday.
  
• It's cool and rainy.
  
• It's my sister heartflyte's birthday.
  
• barlow_girl and I have been married two months today.

I'm sure there are other reasons, too, but I don't want to be greedy.

Hoping to actually finish a couple of things today that have been hanging out for way too long. It's silly that I haven't just knocked them out. Plus, I'm also a week slack on Bible reading, which isn't a crisis so much as it's also silly. Really, I'm pretty OK with some ebb and flow on that kind of thing; there just isn't any good reason for it in my case right now.

Off to work on some calendaring solutions for work. Believe it or not, this is fun!

It's been nice not to have any commitments on the calendar yesterday and today—we've been booked fairly solidly of late, and with only a couple of free days next week, a break is good.

Nick & Anne's wedding was Thursday evening, and since then I've been processing some stuff and seeing things in myself that can hopefully be useful and good. The stimulus wasn't the wedding itself, but the reception—after a while, I found myself antsy and ready to head out. Part of that reaction was just my being tired (the ceremony was at 17:00, and Thursday is the end of my work week and thus, often my most hectic day anyway), and of course, some of it was my being an introvert, but I had trouble putting my finger on the rest. We were celebrating with friends, and I had no work in the morning, so what was my problem? As I grumbled inside, we opted to stay to clean up afterward. But once the reception was over and the cleanup began, my disposition grew much, much better.

So what's the deal? A couple of factors are probably in play:

• I like knowing when I'll be done. Not sure why it's taken me so long to realize this, but it's totally true. It doesn't have to be a specific time; it can be a project or series of tasks, too. Without that, my tendency is to be done whenever I like, which is often sooner than most, especially with social stuff (maybe related to the introversion thing). With it, almost anything is much easier and more comfortable for me.
  
• I like having something to do. Definitely a related factor to the above. I'm regularly asking, "Why am I here?", and when there's no longer a good answer in my head, I'm ready to move on. Celebration and being social is certainly a great reason for being somewhere, but on its own, that will usually only carry for a maximum of a couple of hours for me.

Staying to clean up was great thing that I probably wouldn't have done without barlow_girl's urging. God uses her to bring out better things in me. Left to my own devices, I would have assumed that there were plenty of volunteers to help, but when the time came, that turned out to be far from true (other than the families, there were only six of us). We were needed and useful, and it would have sucked all around to miss that. I'm thankful.

Seattle's weather has been gorgeous, I've mostly been "in the zone" staying on top of life and work, and I'm continuing to love being married to barlow_girl. At risk of redundancy, life is sweet.

Amy's been working like crazy with quarter-end stuff, so that adds a bit of stress and gobbles up large chunks of the calendar (she's working today and tomorrow). I'm still continually impressed with how she handles that and all the other crap that's been thrown her way recently. We've both been adjusting to living together, too, but there's comfort in realizing that most if not all of what's been stretching us on that front is simple roommate stuff—while that's an important component of a healthy marriage, it's a pretty limited measure for same. Perspective helps.

My own return to work this week went very smoothly, particularly with the addition of Annette to our staff. Her presence is a blessing on so many fronts—it feels right. The Haralsons hosted a welcome party for her last night, and while social events sometimes aren't my thing, this was well worth celebrating.

Caught up on Lost yesterday, and hoping to get up to speed on Heroes today (I'm three episodes behind). Being behind on those shows makes the internet and LiveJournal tricky to navigate spoiler-free. And honestly, I'm behind on almost everything I watch, but that's the joy of TiVo in a busy life—no hurry, no worry.

Time to get back in the saddle with a great many things, journaling among them. Since I probably can't do justice to much of anything in an omnibus entry, I'll just go for the long view and will happily try to fill in the blanks upon request.

• The biggest single event since last update was clearly our honeymoon trip, from 26 April to 4 May. We spent our first couple of days in Dothan, AL visiting Amy's family (including quiltlady, ultimateswing, and pigthatisbig) then went on to Sandals Whitehouse in Jamaica from Sunday through Friday. Though I didn't manage to acquire a tan (as a Seattlelite, I resemble something akin to the grayish-white translucency of a raw shrimp on the beach), we had a fantastic time, capping the week off with a private sunset candlelight dinner on the beach.
  
• By the end, barlow_girl and I were ready to get back to our lives and friendships in Seattle. We also both missed corporate worship like crazy, even though we were only out for one Sunday. I've had my seasons of doing my own thing, but I'm very thankful not to be in one now—knowing what that time means to us and how God meets us there, it's hard to imagine not having it each week.
  
• Wrapped up reading Intimate Allies, made some progress in Atlas Shrugged, and got started with Getting Things Done. Finding myself intrigued with and even excited by some of the possibilities posed in the latter book; we'll see how things progress.
  
• Lower back has been hurting since we got back, probably at least in part from carrying the aforementioned books along with a MacBook Pro and other stuff on my back as we returned home Friday. Ready to feel better soon.
  
• We're making great progress with moving everything in—having the break for the honeymoon helped. Feels good.
  
• My TiVo's hard drive was in its death throes when we left, so I ordered a (larger) replacement while we were away and installed it Saturday. Very sweet.
  
• velouria73 and Carrie came over to watch the terribly anticlimactic finale of The Amazing Race: All-Stars. It's a good thing we have fun together anyway (as well as awesome snacks).

A week since I've written, and what an amazing week! The wedding Sunday was such a fantastic celebration that wasn't just about our vows—it was about being invited into a story larger than ourselves, the very story we were created for, and the love and commitment our Bridegroom and King lavishes on us. Though we'd have chosen other circumstances, we agree that moving the wedding was the very best thing we could have done, and we were tremendously blessed by God, family, and community.

Married life? Good. Extraordinarily good.

We've been able to both head back to work (our honeymoon is at the end of the month), get barlow_girl mostly moved out from her old apartment, swap out a new bed for my old futon, and start finding rhythms and routines for life together. We've also had time here and there to spend with friends, which can often slip off the radar at the beginning of a marriage.

And there's more, more, and so much more. We know we're only at the beginning, but it feels good to learn how to love, honor, and serve each other. Even when it's tough, it's unquestionably worth it. And for my part, I've noticed a much clearer sense of perspective—spending time on the people and things I value while letting the rest slip into the background. Things won't always be this clear, I remind myself, so it's a good time to celebrate, enjoy, be thankful, and build for the future.

Tomorrow I marry Amy. That's enough to make me feel like I'm walking on air.

There are so many incredible things about being married to Amy that it'll take my lifetime to learn them all. But the wedding itself has also been amazing, particularly in that it's been so much larger than just something about us alone. We've had the power of the gospel embodied to us through our church again and again—their eager desire to serve and celebrate with us continues to catch us off guard, over and over. This is what the new humanity of the Kingdom looks like. How wonderful to be drawn into it.

We both have family in town, trickling in over the past few days. That they can be with us is another huge blessing. We had lunch with everyone who was in at the time yesterday afternoon, and another gathering of out-of-towners hosted by our communitygroup today. I hope our families get to see a glimpse of the Jesus we've seen in them.

Naturally, there's hasn't been a lot of time to write, but neither has it been as stressful and crazy as one might think. Everything's been narrowed down to the essentials, just the way we like it, and the richness God is bringing into our lives is clearer and stronger than any of the niggling details (most of which are being handled for us!). It's good to be overshadowed by grace.

Everything's a flurry, but not in a bad way. Knowing that all the work is going toward a celebration and solid start to our marriage goes a long way to keeping my spirits up when I'd otherwise be overwhelmed. We've been shown so much love by our friends and family in the rescheduling of our wedding—it's staggering. Amber is coordinating, Nick & Anne are making our cake, our communitygroup had a celebration on Tuesday (complete with sabered champagne!), Brian & Carolyn gave us an awesome cake topper, Laura stopped by with pre-wedding goodies this week, and the list goes on and on. Looks like most of our immediate family will make it, which is yet another blessing. We're in the single digits on the countdown!

Lots of my energy this weekend has been on the home front, and I have plenty left to do. Haven't had a roommate since college, let alone a wife (!), so I've been able to be pretty careless about stuff and the accumulation thereof. On the spectrum of single men, I keep a pretty organized place, but there's still lots of editing I don't do when left to my own devices. Perhaps the saddest part is acknowledging that it's time to box up my Twentieth Anniversary Mac—if the TV tuner still worked effectively, I'd find a place for it in the bedroom, but as is, it just shouldn't take up space in our home. And seriously, if that's the saddest part, I have a pretty amazing life ahead. Which I do.