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Elvis

Wedding, work, and willpower

More wedding anxiety dreams the last two nights. It's always about not having the right clothes and running late, which is a pretty small and simple thing for an awake mind to handle. I just don't like waking up feeling stressed.

Really good day at the office yesterday. Threw around some exciting ideas and felt like I was contributing something unique and good. I like that a lot.

Discipline has been spotty, but not discouragingly so. Progress is progress—God is at work in me, and I increasingly have greater will to join Him in His work. While I'm not content with where I am, I'm on the right track and moving mostly forward.

Comments

My contract says that you'll be dressed and on time. ;)
If your contract said I'd be undressed and on time, I'd be concerned!
That usperic is killer.
It's always been my contention that, if you don't get married by an Elvis impersonator, you'll always wonder, "What if we'd gotten married by an Elvis impersonator?" And really, who needs those kinds of lingering questions haunting their marriage?
agreed
Oddly enough I didn't have dreams about the wedding before the wedding, but I've been having them this last week.
Go figure. It's kind of nice, though, if the dream was stressful to wake up and realize it all happened AND it was fun.

You'll have fun, I'm sure of it.
I have no doubt, and even if I did, that icon of you and ormopher would be enough to encourage me.
I had dreams about not having my wedding dress ready on time. So did the seamstress who made my dress! It's weird, the stuff that comes up in our dreams when we're anticipating something. I had CRAZY dreams when I was pregnant with Randall!
I think if I get pregnant, my dreams will be crazy, too!

(Anonymous)

from steph

perhaps give living in the gray a try. it's not our nature but the only way to really be submissive, i think

Re: from steph

I'm thinking we're talking about different things—when I imagine "living in the gray," it's what all of us are doing all the time. So I may be missing what you're saying or what it's connected to.

Re: from steph

Oh, and I'd like to hear more (I'm not being pissy—sometimes it's hard to tell on teh iNtarw3bz).
Maybe it was really just heinous-website-induced trauma from the tux place. ;o]

(Anonymous)

from steph

I think what most of us (like, 99.9% of us) are doing all the time is the opposite of living in the gray. We badly want black-and-whiteness and we live according to this. It works for things like getting out the door on time and keeping your productivity high at work, but I think it works directly against us when we apply it to the spiritual and emotional part of our lives.
I don't think you can see God at work unless you move yourself into the gray, into the uncomfortable part where you're consciously relinquishing control and relinquishing your conceptions of who God is and how he works and telling him that you need him to show up. Like, the Bible says God is always with me and will never fail me. But sometimes I feel like he isn't here, and he fails me badly. I have always felt guilty about feeling these things about God - but they are the truth. They're my experience. What do I do with this? I've been shoving it away because it's uncomfortable; it's gray. I want to believe he is always here and has a plan. That's the Black/White. And sometimes I do feel he is real and cares about me. Then other times I feel very strongly that if he were real, he would not let the things happen that he does (black/white). Living in the gray, for me, is existing between these two tensions and acknowledging them both. It's just my truth, and it's harder to live this way but I feel like I'm living in a more truthful way, and I feel a lot more freedom. I want so much to be a full-time Christian, or a full-time atheist, or a full-time SOMETHING but I'm not convinced of anything. And I believe that is where faith comes in. If I say "I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I died I'd go to heaven," there is no faith in that.

Re: from steph

I see. I'm not quite sure how it relates to this entry, but think I'm with you at least 70-80% of the way. Where it sounds like we might differ is in whether full-time Christianity is possible and whether there can be assurance of things unseen. I believe in both, but I don't think that makes the tension go away. Yielding to Someone other than me to be the author final arbiter of truth makes some things that would otherwise be black and white become gray, and vice versa.

Your Diaryland entry today is fantastic.